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2015-01-16-IMG_0438

There’s nothing worse than that bleak feeling when you realise all the happiness you were spewing out at a festival was borrowed from today. To replenish, science suggests you take vitamin C, rest up and rehydrate. I suggest following this handy guide to getting over your comedown.

(Ed note: in addition to the guide below, if you used any sort of stimulant, get your hands on a [couple of] powerful, over-the-counter antioxidants. If it’s available where you are, 5-htp can’t hurt. Most importantly, eat good food, and stay awake from that coworker you hate who didn’t go to Splendour. He’ll definitely say something like, “bet you’re not feeling too great today, ehhhh?” and you’ll want to smash a scolding coffee pot over his head.

Masturbate
Touching yourself will undoubtedly result in a final, brief, 2-3 second moment where you no longer feel depressed. If you do this consistently through your comedown, that’s at least 15-20 seconds of happiness in a day of darkness.

Ask A Friend To Hold You
Find a friend who’s also coming down and mutually benefit one another with a cuddle. If you have no friends who are coming down, or just no friends, resort to the next option.

Cry
This one works best when done in conjunction with the last two. Nothing like a cry-wank in the warm embrace of a friend. If you’re alone, cry-wanking alone is also good. Tears make for good lube.

Make Unrealistic Aspirations To Fix Your Life
You’ll never take pingers again. You’re going to go to your lectures this semester. You’ll stop bitching about people. You’re going to the gym starting tomorrow. Whatever you need to tell yourself, honey.

Watch A Completely Unemotional Movie
You may be brought to tears by movies with the slightest inkling of sentiment. If you want to get through a film without tearing up when a main character’s pet guinea pig gets the flu, go for something passive. SpongeBob’s always a good bet.

Debrief
Tell your friends about all the stupid shit you did last night. Laughter gives the illusion of happiness. Unfortunately when you actually think about the reality of just how bad that minger was last night, your depression will return.

Assign Yourself A Comedown Scapegoat
Choose someone who really gets on your nerves. This could be someone from the night out who was being annoying, someone who didn’t help clean up in the morning, someone with an irritating voice/face/personality, or even an object. Last month my moist, mouldy, unwashed bath mat was my comedown scapegoat.

This person or object is now entirely at fault for your bad mood. It certainly isn’t the fault of all the drugs you ate. Bitch as much as you like about them, feel better about yourself.

Puppies
Get them in and around your life.

Get A Jaw Massager
Got romped by the chomp? Loosen up those muscles with a jaw massage. Hopefully within a few hours you’ll be able to eat food again without feeling like you recently tried to beat a chewing gum consumption record.

More MDMA*
Borrow even more happiness. It’s tomorrow’s problem.

*obviously don’t do this you cooked SOB.
____
Written by Josephine Harvey. Image by Huff Post.

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